Incongruous Balderdash

I got a forward in my email and it made my day. Don’t know the source but would add the appropriate link if someone pointed it out.
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day [...]

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set [...]

FOUND ON CRAIG’S LIST - what an awesome answer…

What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. [...]